This week I turned 40. There was a long stretch of my life where I genuinely didn’t think I’d make it here. I’ve been in recovery from a gambling addiction since June of 2012, and back in the depths of it, 40 felt impossible. So getting to sit down and record this feels like a strange, heavy, grateful kind of milestone.
In this video, I’m talking through all the complexity of closing out a decade. This is not the tidy, inspirational version…this is the honest, off-the-cuff how I’m honestly feeling version.
I get into my complicated relationship with birthdays and holidays (something I understand so much better now that I know I’m Autistic and ADHD, can you relate?). I talk about running myself into the ground. And I open up about the three-day birthday my wife and my friend Ariel pulled together, how loved I felt, and how I still sometimes feel like there’s an invisible force field keeping me just far enough from the people who care about me.
I talk about the grief I’ve been carrying this year. About boundaries, reducing demands, and the constant tug of war between what my Autistic self needs and what my ADHD brain craves.
I talk about deconstructing the “never good enough” story I’ve carried since childhood, and how that work is a long road that doesn’t magically end at 40. I talk about the tension of being a creative person who can’t fully power down, and about finally giving myself permission to be exactly who I am. Nerdy, intense, deeply interested in the things I love, and embracing all of it.
I don’t have this figured out, and this isn’t a how-to. What I do have, at 40, is a couple of core truths.
Recovery is possible.
Nuance matters, because almost nothing in this life is binary.
And the only things you really get to take with you are how you feel about yourself and how the people closest to you feel about being in your life.
If any of this sounds like your own life, whether you’re late-diagnosed, chronically ill, in recovery, deep in burnout, or just trying to figure out what it means to take up space as yourself, I hope you’ll watch or listen to the full episode. Save it for your next walk, your commute, or while you’re making dinner. And if something rings true for you, tell me below. That’s what this space is for.
As always… Doubt Yourself, Do It Anyway.
Patrick
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🖥️ DIVERGE: Wired To Be Different — the FREE virtual self-paced summit I’m co-hosting for neurodivergent entrepreneurs & visionaries. It starts on August 24th!
🧠 NeuroPreneur Circle Community — I’m opening up the doors to the community I’ve been building VERY soon. Make sure you’re on the waitlist so you’ll be the first to know when the first 50 founding spots open.
