Why Do You Write Like You're Running Out of Time?

An ode to Lin-Manuel Miranda’s Infamous Line in Hamilton

TW: Death + Dying

I was a huge fan of Lin-Manuel Miranda’s Hamilton, as so many of you were. I mean it is an absolute fucking masterpiece and it honestly got me through the first few years of COVID because my wife and I listened to the soundtrack every single day, multiple times a day. One line that stands out to me is “Why do you write like you’re running out of time?”

As my chronic health conditions pile up and I learn about the things that I’m experiencing and how they impact me, I can’t help but think about my own mortality.

There’s something that I think I’ve always known since I was a child and I’ve said this jokingly more times than I can count, probably out of discomfort with the reality. I believe that I will die younger than I should. That even though I am turning 40 in August, midlife for me was 10 to 15 years ago, maybe even more.

Some of my recent diagnoses have made me acutely aware that the sands in the hourglass are quickly disappearing.

Unknowingly I have been writing like I’ve been running out of time since I was young. I have been creating like I’m running out of time since I was young. I’ve been in production mode like I’m running out of time since I was young.

Sure some of this is deeply intertwined with living in a capitalist hellscape that values productivity. Some of it is anchored into a core belief that my own self-worth is associated with my accomplishments but a lot of this was subconsciously because I have always been hyper aware of the fact that life is fleeting, life is short, and that time is running out.

Time is one of the only resources that we don’t get back and it’s perhaps our most valuable resource of all. So many of us spend so little time thinking about the things that are actually important to us or the things that actually matter because we are so focused and engrossed in having to get through our day, working to live and survive.

I choose to spend my remaining time focused on what I can control:

• the things that I appreciate

• the experiences that I’ve had

• the connection opportunities that continue to exist in my life

and to really focus in on being more present with the people and places that I care deeply about.

I’m turning 40 and I think this is often an age and life transition experience that feels big, feels heavy, feels monumental. It’s almost as if, hey, I’ve made it halfway and all of a sudden I’m going to start having an existential crisis wondering who I am, what I’ve done, does my life have meaning in it?

For me I can answer very confidently yes to all of those things because I have had experiences over the last decade of my life, both personally and professionally, that a lot of people can only dream about. I am forever grateful for that and how my career has taken me all over the world.

Never in my life did I think that I had anything meaningful to say that people would actually listen to or that it would have impact on their day-to-day lives. I get DMs, emails, and messages thanking me for sharing my own life experiences, especially my struggles, helping to humanize and make more relatable experiences for people all over the world.

I certainly never thought that I would be traveling the world hosting retreats, conferences, and summits for mental health professionals in countries like New Zealand, Ireland, Scotland, Greece, Italy, Portugal, Spain, Belize, and more.

I have suffered and struggled my entire life and that has never been a secret. I think that people sometimes are drawn to me because they can see how much I’m struggling. I can’t hide it and the reality is I am more and more at peace with the fact that things are approaching a finality in a sense, in terms of lifespan, creative energy, physical limitations, etc. Not saying that tomorrow is it but recognizing that if I was to die tomorrow, would I have been proud of my life? The answer used to be no.

I hope that me sharing so candidly and openly and vulnerably and letting you into the behind-the-scenes of my day-to-day helps you get through yours or at least helps you feel a little bit less alone. That’s always why I wanted to share my struggles because honestly I have felt so alone in this lifetime that I do not want another human to have to experience life the way that I do.

And let this be a reminder that when you share your experiences and get vulnerable, you truly never know who you might be helping.

As always — Doubt Yourself, Do It Anyway

Until Next Time,

Patrick